Seeking Zen For Salvation (way to idiot saint)

Self-love,enough enough enough
"The world of death is anarchy and beyond limit of
time. Slow,endless and infinitive time embraces
spring and fall. Even the pleasure which the empires of the past time enjoyed can't beat the world of death. I have no wish to throw away this
pleasure  and to place myself in human world full of agonies!" This is a quotation from Taoism , an ancient Chinese philosophical book.  Life is continuation of suffering. The root of suffering is the consciousness of me. I, I , I, enough, enough
enough. Asking myself "How come you love yourself so much?" , I feel sick of self-love. But
at the depth of my mind I find another self-addicted myself affirming such myself. I sense that
I will come to dead-end sooner or later and that
the time will come when I face  cosmic loneliness 
without being able to depend on a large number 
of titles written on my visiting card. What can I do
about it? I have lived a life with the attitude of denying what couldn't be logically proved. 
Image of zen priest sitting quietly
When thinking of such a thing , a gallant image of a zen priest with unmovable face under dancing
 ginkgo leaves rises in my mind. With the image in my mind,I extend my imagination as far as the time before I had  titles. Then how light my mind become!It was as if all sinkers sticking to my mind has gone. 
Life with blood rushed to my head
When I look around myself in such a state of my mind, I feel somehow all the stars shining above
coldly as if they were pushing me away  and the appearance of downtown sunk down below looked unfriendly. What on  earth happened to me? This change of my mind! The fact is that I had been living with blood rushed to my head. I had seen everything in the state of my mind. Now that my head cooled down, I must find the new way of living for myself who lost the firm ground and drifting in the air. The way of my new life must be built on my true self. 
The way to absolute peaceful mind
It was the way leading to everlasting hometown 
with no room for anxieties to rush in , that is to say the way to seek NO MIND not belonging to either living nor death. Long time ago I once read
a book titled " The ten ox-herding pictures and 
commentaries " depicting the stage of zen practice
leading to the enlightenment. The book was written  by a Chinese monk in 12th century. If I follow  the path shown in the book , my mind may
get a little lighter. In such a disparate mind I decided to walk along the path , ready to sacrifice
everything . I feel that this is the only way for me

to survive  although I am not sure if I can find the way to patch up myself. In the next blog , I'd like to write about the first step to recovery. 

Introduction of the book
In the book appear an ox and the ox tamer. The ox
symbolizes the ultimate undivided reality, the 
Buddha nature while the tamer symbolizes the self, who initially identifies the individuated ego.
They are separate at first, but with progressive 
enlightenment, united in the realization of the inner unity of all existence.